Conflicts are inherent in every marriage. If there are no conflicts then one of you is abdicating yourself. William Channen said that “difficulties are designed to wake us up. The human spirit grows strong through conflict.” They are important for relationships because they help couples adapt to new situations,  invent new approaches to problems, and help them grow individually. They must be seen as opportunities to understand, change and grow. The “bad times” also help us define the “good times.”

Just because conflicts exist in your marriage does not mean that there is an absence of love. Marriage is not about avoiding conflicts but about how to handle them when they come. Conflicts exist for a reason, they contain a message, a lesson, and they must be acknowledged. It is important to know that most differences will never be resolved.

James 4: 1-3 says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”

Conflicts between wife and husband are the result of unmet legitimate needs or when your satisfaction has been thwarted. Legitimate needs are those that are appropriate, that most people agree to (eg, be understood). Illegitmate needs are selfish, for their satisfaction at the expense of other people. When we are dating it is very easy to fulfill the wishes of the other, because any sacrifice is easy to conquer the other. But when we get married it is more difficult. When our wishes are not fulfilled or we do not feel understood, or we do not receive because we have not asked with good intentions, we react by repressing or venting our emotions. How you react to conflict will determine if you isolate yourself from each other or if you grow closer.