One time I got home late in Ecuador and started to apologize to my wife by explaining my excuse. My wife was obviously angry, but I felt my excuse was valid enough. It wasn’t, and she actually got angrier.

Our first reaction in conflict is usually to defend ourselves. We believe that this will somehow alleviate the anger that is felt by the other person, but it rarely does. So how should we respond when someone is angry at us? Obviously not trying to defend ourselves.

The correct way is to validate the other person’s feelings. Their feelings are very real and when they are ignored they do not help the situation. You must first acknowledge their feelings with phrases such as, “I can see that you are very angry with me” or “You have every reason to feel that way.”

The second is not to make excuses. This also devalues the importance of what they are feeling. The fact is, no matter what your excuses are, you have disappointed your spouse or partner. Anger is the result of being disappointed, or not getting what we expected. Acknowledge your error with phrases such as, “Please forgive me” or “I know I was wrong.”

The third thing to do is not to repeat your mistake. If what you’re doing is irritating your spouse, don’t do it. It is that easy. The basis of it all is how much do you value your spouse; enough to make the change. Are you willing to make the necessary sacrifices to end this conflict area? Do you value your spouse to make those changes?