In Dennis Rainey’s book Staying Close he lists various small things that could cause conflicts within the marriage. The list includes things like sleeping in complete darkness or with a light turned on, leaving windows open or closed, setting the thermostat in the house, the way we eat, how we blow our nose, the style of music we play and the volume we put it, where we leave our dirty laundry, how we hang the toilet paper roll, the hour we go to sleep or wake up, the way we squeeze the tube of toothpaste, how we leave the cupboard doors open or closed, how we make the bed, and lock the doors at night.

In marriage, although we are one, we are two personalities, coming from two different cultures. Our backgrounds have made us what we are and whether we are conscious of it or not, we bring these to our marriage. Our way of thinking, our disposition, our idiosyncrasies, all follow us into marriage. Add to this our male and female differences and there is plenty to cause friction.           

When we understand these differences we shouldn’t let it upset or discourage us. It should challenge us to start understanding each other, adjusting ourselves to each other and preferring one another. I Peter 3:7 says, “Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way.”

In my hospital chaplaincy residency, me and my fellow chaplains wanted to learn how to deal with foreign cultures that were present among our patients. Wisely, our supervisor just instructed us on how to be humble with our own culture and practices and have curiosity towards others. Having married outside our cultures, my wife and I can easily point out the weaknesses of the other’s culture. Harder to do is praise the positives aspects.

By trying to understand our spouses culture it can enlarge and enrich our lives. Imagine if we were all the same, we would only become more stereotyped. Two introverts make recluses. Two extroverts make hyper pleasure seekers. Having differences allows us to “give and take.” The extrovert who likes to be active can learn to spend some time in quietness. The introvert can learn to go out and meet people. Intentionally doing this causes us to move toward each other.

D.L. Moody said, “The man I have more trouble with than anybody else is D.L. Moody.” This is our main problem in not adjusting ourselves to each other. When self rules, we cannot rejoice in the strengths and victories of others or find the positives in their culture.

Arguments will happen in marriage but this should not be the end, it should be the beginning of a great learning process. Philippians 2:3 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves.”

No life or marriage can endure when it is built upon self and cannot take the necessary steps to exalt the other and move towards each other despite our cultural differences.