Several years ago our church gave a series on forgiveness as part of a campaign throughout Latin America. When it was my turn to preach I asked the question what do we do when the person(s) who offends us don´t realize their offense? What do we do when they never ask for forgiveness or recognize their error?

 
In at least two cases in the Bible, forgiveness is granted in these circumstances. When Christ was being crucified on the cross he asked his father, “forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” The other instance was when Stephen was stoned to death he prayed to Jesus saying, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” Both asked for God to forgive their sins despite the unrepentant attitude of those killing them.

I find a couple of reasons for them to be able to do this. First, it is possible to forgive because people can be completely ignorant of what they are doing. At the crucifixion passerbyers, the religious leaders, and the soldiers all ridiculed Jesus, all out of ignorance. Jesus could have called down twelve battalions of angels at any moment to teach them a lesson, but he renounced control at that moment. When we are offended, we too need to renounce the desire to control people, because some people will never change. Some people never want to change nor see the need to change. As with Jesus, the group persecuting Stephen “covered their ears.” Pride doesn´t allow us to understand or listen to others. If we give up the attitude of trying to change or control others we ourselves can experience tranquility and empathy. This attitude has a greater impact on the lives of others. In fact, after all that happened on Golgotha, the Bible says that the centurion in charge of the crucifixion praised God.

 
In the case of Stephen, Acts says that before he asked for them to be forgiven he had a vision of heaven and Jesus at the right hand of God. When we truly see and understand the glory of God, his perfection, it is our healthy fear of God that wishes that all people be forgiven rather than face the wrath of a just God. Our desire should be that they too understand who God is. Paul´s prayer was “that they may be saved.” It is part of what Jesus taught when he said we should, “love our enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” He added that God causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good. We often want the worst for those who offend us when we should want their salvation.

Also seeing the glory of God allows us to see our own failures and lose the desire to judge others. Romans says we “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Jesus added in Luke 6:37, “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” We leave judging to God and work on our own lives.

This applies to all relationships including marriage. We may spend all our energy trying to change our spouses, but the only change that will happen is when they see the difference in how we respond.